last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
