the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
