I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
