i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
