You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
