Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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