Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
