Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
