I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
