the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
