i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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