I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
