There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
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