Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
