If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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