Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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