Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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