just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
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After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
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Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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