She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
