I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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