last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
