I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
