ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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