no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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