im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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