Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
