so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
