did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
So. Much. Porn.
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