I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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