Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
