Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
