I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
