Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
