Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Randomize
