im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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