I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
