Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
