My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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