Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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