HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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