Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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