Your mouth is God's brothel.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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