I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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