I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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