We named our party play list daddy issues
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
