Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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