Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
