I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
