Jerry, you need to find god
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
