I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Vodka?
Forever.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
