I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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