I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
