She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
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