I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
