you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
