Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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