I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
