I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Randomize
