I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
