Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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