The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
